you've come a long way baby

Wow I read these posts and I am amazed at how far I have come. I sit her unable to stop the tears. I so grateful; grateful I survived. I made it through, not just made it but literally am on the other side kicking and screaming!

I had a break through moment last week...Ethan was going to be a young George Washington in a play at his school on Wednesday. Tuesday night at 8:20pm I walked in the door after being gone all day and realized he needed dark pants and a white shirt for the next mornings play. I kissed him goodnight, grabbed my purse and went straight to Target. Not only did I get the costume he needed but I also shopped for things we needed around the house. I pulled into the driveway at 9:55 and brought everything inside. It was at that moment that I realized that for the first time since Ethan was born, I didn't come up with an excuse not to do it, not to go to the store for something we needed, not to leave the house no matter what the reason. I burst into tears and finally felt like I was a good Mommy.

All these years I doubted whether I would ever be good enough for the perfect little man I was blessed with. Although I don't feel it 100% of the time, I know that I am a good Mommy. I always want what is best for my boy and continue to always question my choices to make sure they are right.

I am my 6th year of teaching, teaching 4th grade for the first time. I am 2 months away from finishing my Masters in Educational Leadership and will be graduating with a 4.0!!! Who would have thought that this would be possible.

My goal is to get back into keeping this up. This is about me, just me. Someday my boy will be old enough to read this and to see how he saved my life. I want him to also see that I survived and to learn that anything is possible, even when it feels like it's the end.

2008 begins...

I can honestly say I am relieved to see 2007 go. Although it was a fabulous year in the end, it was a rough one and I am ready to take my lessons learned and move on.

I finally graduated college YAHOO and got a job. I start in 5 days with my own classroom, well for 8 weeks at least. We will see where I go after that.

I met some amazing ladies along my journey that really helped get me focused and realize that I am normal just the way I am. You Buckaroos (or more fitting Burritoooos) know who you are and I love you!!!

I will never be the person I was b.E. (before Ethan) but I can choose to accept who I am now and work with it. In some ways I am a better person than I was and some ways not but I can work on that. I like to think that I take life one moment at a time while still preparing for the future. Sounds like malarkey right? But I do...I know that I need to work and save for the future and plan for things but I do it at my pace while taking the moments to enjoy Ethan (my Ethan puppy).

Jason and I are doing great. After a struggling year we are truly excited about the possibilities 2008 holds for us. After years of not knowing how to communicate with each other we have started to make headway in that area and without anger!!! I love him dearly and can't imagine this life without him. I was looking through pics last night and just realizing all that I have put him through and boy I am lucky he is still here and still loves me LOL!

I don't really have resolutions this year, they are more like adaptations of self. LOL Ok that was a bunch of malarkey!

1. I want to create again, get back into the grove. I am a member of the Scrapbooking in Paradise Design Team for 2008 and I am really looking forward to that.
   
2. I need to do more pages, not on anything specific but just more pages.
3. Blogging oh yes, the thing that I really want to do all the time but just never sit down to do it. So I am aiming to at least post a summary of the week that just happened and see how that goes LOL.

With that said, I wish you and all your families the happiest 2008 imaginable!

as we speak

I have just finished my final and I am trying to start and finish two papers by tomorrow morning. AGHHH

Tomorrow will be a very busy day for Ethan and I. We have to go to USF St Pete so I can drop off this stuff and take an exam. Then lunch with Aunt Cindy, Kathleen, Arin and BJ. The rest of the day we will spend with Auntie Arin until the late afternoon when we will meet up with Uncle Chad, Daddy, Ms. Kari and Emma to go to the zoo. Ethan will officially be 2 1/2 tomorrow (in a matter of hours) I cannot believe it!

As I type this (from bed) he is snuggled up against me with his head under my arm, snoring away. He gets that from his Daddy.

I will post some pics of the day and let all of you enjoy they with me.

moving on

I just received my assignment for my final internship and got 1st grade! I am so excited and so nervous! I don't start until the end of August and still have to take the FCTE Subject Area K-6 exam, so cross your fingers.

slacking

That is what I have been really good at these past few months. I have let everything go, the house, the blog, myself, real estate, scrapbooking, school. I have gotten a new job waiting on table at Longhorn and I have to say I really enjoy it. Now if I could just find the motivation to get back to school to finish up my 60 hours that would be nice. I have been sleeping sooooo much lately and I like to attribute it to stress more than laziness.

I have still been taking my meds regularly but with working such off hours the side effects are still in full swing; sleeplessness, sleepiness, dizziness. But I am not giving up.

Lately I have finally come to some big decisions about my life and myself. I don't like where I am at right now and it is my own fault. I have decided to make some big changes and although they will be gradual, they are a must. It may hurt some people along the way or change how they think of me but I can't not do it for them. It will make me a better Mommy, a better person and that is what matters. It isn't anything crazy drastic, just how I handle things, how our future is going to play out, our finances, our priorities, etc. It is time to do some mental house cleaning for the entire family.

i should wear a sign...

I really should, just to express how thankful I am for Lexapro LOL. No really though, I am feeling more rested, more positive, more alive, more like the old Amy than I have in almost 2 years. Don't get me wrong, I am not 'better' by any means, there is still a long road to go, but I can see a bit of light at the end of it.

The first step is admitting you have a problem...

So I did it. I went to the doctor yesterday and talked all about my psychoness and how it is 2 years later and I am still not normal. We talked about how I was feeling, if it runs in my family, what medications I took before, why I waited this long to ask for help again, etc. I sat there clutching Ethan, sobbing, feeding him a cookie and talking about everything.

As of yesterday at 3:10 I am on Lexapro. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!! (seriously, I am excited) That is what I was on last time and worked well minus the sleeplessness and the sleepiness. I wouldn't be able to sleep and then when I finally did it was 6 in the morning and Ethan was up by 7-8ish and I was lethargic. So this time, per my doctors instructions, I am experimenting with the times. 3 hours after I took it yesterday I could have gone to sleep for the night. So today I am going to take it at 8pm and see how that works.

I have been in such a good mood today. No, the meds don't work that fast LOL, I just feel like I am making a positive step in the right direction. I feel as if I am really going to try to get through this and not just be a victim, not just sit there and take it.

I am off to scrapbook. That is right, I said scrapbook. I am so excited to get some done tonight, hopefully Ethan will cooperate!

sleep ugh

Remember when I would complain about not sleeping and then when I finally did, I couldn't and I mean couldn't, wake up? Well now I can sleep, but I just can't get enough. I am always so tired and so lazy and so out of energy. I can't even scrapbook as I just don't have the motivation. I have a doctor's appointment on the 12th and I am really looking forward to it. I am going to ask him for some help, some medicine, maybe even a referral to a shrink. I have to get over this, it is sucking me in again and I just can't let this happen. My son is to perfect, to smart, to amazing, to wonderful, just to much for me to get bad again.

out of the blue

Every once and awhile things hit you that you aren't expecting...

a panic attack,
anger,
sadness,
love,
support,

are just a few examples.

Tonight about 5 min ago, I got my first official Christmas present and it was a WOW of a gift. A simple email sent to my myspace page made me cry but not in a bad way. It was filled with support and understanding that felt so good to have. Just a short message with no more than 5 sentences has made my Christmas more than I knew possible.

For the longest time I hid what was going on with me from friends and family, felt ashamed and embarrassed. Then came a time when I thought I was really healing and I was like a poster child and if the opportunity arose I would talk about it. Now it seems like I am back to trying to just pretend it isn't happening to those that don't know any different. This blog was my way of talking, expressing and getting it out without having to worry what people would think.

Tonight someone very special in my life discovered what I hide most of the time and was so wonderful about it. I wouldn't expect any less from her, as she is that person, but I hate to let the people I really care about down. Why I feel that what has happened/is happening is letting them down I don't know. Something I need to work on obviously.

For the majority of my life I have been lucky enough to have 3 Moms (really long story but a good one) and tonight I was reminded again that a 3rd Mom really is something special and something I am blessed to have.

Thank you Mom #3, you have made this such a special Christmas and when I stop crying and can get it together I will message you to tell you all of this.

***WITH ALL MY LOVE***

you have got to be kidding me

I am sure that there are people in this world that have legitimate reasons to be sad and lonely this Christmas. My family is not one of them, we are so lucky to have each other and to be able to celebrate this holiday together. Yes, things could be better, but they always can, at least we have a family to celebrate with. With that in mind here is my vent...how can you be miserable? You have a house, children, grandchild, husband, good job, other family that supports you no matter what, how can you be miserable???? We are sooooo lucky and soooo blessed with some things, how can you let a few negative ones over ride the good???

Here and now I make this promise to my hubby and my son, I will never let the Christmas blues get to me ever. I will always make this a season of thanks and awareness of what we share as a family. I will never turn something happy like this into something sad. I will always remain positive and aware of our blessings.

And if I slip and forget this promise, there is always this permanent record to show me to kick my but in gear!