out of the blue

Every once and awhile things hit you that you aren't expecting...

a panic attack,
anger,
sadness,
love,
support,

are just a few examples.

Tonight about 5 min ago, I got my first official Christmas present and it was a WOW of a gift. A simple email sent to my myspace page made me cry but not in a bad way. It was filled with support and understanding that felt so good to have. Just a short message with no more than 5 sentences has made my Christmas more than I knew possible.

For the longest time I hid what was going on with me from friends and family, felt ashamed and embarrassed. Then came a time when I thought I was really healing and I was like a poster child and if the opportunity arose I would talk about it. Now it seems like I am back to trying to just pretend it isn't happening to those that don't know any different. This blog was my way of talking, expressing and getting it out without having to worry what people would think.

Tonight someone very special in my life discovered what I hide most of the time and was so wonderful about it. I wouldn't expect any less from her, as she is that person, but I hate to let the people I really care about down. Why I feel that what has happened/is happening is letting them down I don't know. Something I need to work on obviously.

For the majority of my life I have been lucky enough to have 3 Moms (really long story but a good one) and tonight I was reminded again that a 3rd Mom really is something special and something I am blessed to have.

Thank you Mom #3, you have made this such a special Christmas and when I stop crying and can get it together I will message you to tell you all of this.

***WITH ALL MY LOVE***

you have got to be kidding me

I am sure that there are people in this world that have legitimate reasons to be sad and lonely this Christmas. My family is not one of them, we are so lucky to have each other and to be able to celebrate this holiday together. Yes, things could be better, but they always can, at least we have a family to celebrate with. With that in mind here is my vent...how can you be miserable? You have a house, children, grandchild, husband, good job, other family that supports you no matter what, how can you be miserable???? We are sooooo lucky and soooo blessed with some things, how can you let a few negative ones over ride the good???

Here and now I make this promise to my hubby and my son, I will never let the Christmas blues get to me ever. I will always make this a season of thanks and awareness of what we share as a family. I will never turn something happy like this into something sad. I will always remain positive and aware of our blessings.

And if I slip and forget this promise, there is always this permanent record to show me to kick my but in gear!

My hubby

I say this with the utmost love and affection, especially since he got me my dream camera for my 30th birthday LOL. I have wanted a rebel for I don't know how long. At first it was just the Rebel xt, then he said well why not the 20D (too much camera for me right now) and then they were coming out with the Xti and little did I know but he made his choice. I cannot seem to put this camera down. There is still so much to learn and I will never be able to figure out all of it but I have never been so happy. This is my fave pic so far...

It's been awhile...

It has been awhile since I felt comfortable enough to come out of hiding. A lot has happened this year, I have let some people down, some people have let me down, I have let things go that I shouldn't, tried new things that I liked, but most of all made a huge mistake that I will have to pay for, for quite some time.

I like to think that I am healing, that I am becoming more myself again. But, just as soon as I think that, here comes stress, anxiety and more panic attacks. I realized that hiding isn't helping that, talking, expressing, and just getting it out would help more than anything.

Our new house was actually started a few months ago and we should have drywall by Christmas. Moving out of this trailer and into OUR house will make a lot of difference for me.

Last month I turned 30 and I feel as if that pushed a start over button. This is the fresh start I need to be able to change those things I don't like and continue with the things I do. I decided I needed a list to refer to about what my goals were...

1. Flylady.com - That's right I want to be a flylady. I started it but then it got put off due to RE school but there is no excuse, I am going to make time!

2. RE Exam - I am taking it before Jan 1, 2007 no matter what. Ready or not I need to push myself.

3. Finish my BA by Dec 2007 - I am so close, 2 classes are I's which I can fix and then my final internship is all I have which I can do in the fall. I will graduate in 2007.

4. Take better care of myself - I need to start taking care of myself physically, my skin, my weight, my mental stability. Flylady will help with this.

5. Budget conscious - here is the biggie. With the new house being finished, there will be expenses before we even move in, I want to have a savings account, I want to feel secure that we can pay our bills, I want to know if I need money for an emergency we have it, I want to pay every bill ontime for 2007.

6. I want to stop feeling like I am not enough. I want to start feeling like this is who I am and if that isn't ok, the problem is not with me. I AM ENOUGH!!!

7. Blog everyday - bad or good, I am going to blog everyday. If anything for my sanity, but also for those that might read this to give an idea to how I feel and that I am not ignoring them, just struggling.