out of the blue

Every once and awhile things hit you that you aren't expecting...

a panic attack,
anger,
sadness,
love,
support,

are just a few examples.

Tonight about 5 min ago, I got my first official Christmas present and it was a WOW of a gift. A simple email sent to my myspace page made me cry but not in a bad way. It was filled with support and understanding that felt so good to have. Just a short message with no more than 5 sentences has made my Christmas more than I knew possible.

For the longest time I hid what was going on with me from friends and family, felt ashamed and embarrassed. Then came a time when I thought I was really healing and I was like a poster child and if the opportunity arose I would talk about it. Now it seems like I am back to trying to just pretend it isn't happening to those that don't know any different. This blog was my way of talking, expressing and getting it out without having to worry what people would think.

Tonight someone very special in my life discovered what I hide most of the time and was so wonderful about it. I wouldn't expect any less from her, as she is that person, but I hate to let the people I really care about down. Why I feel that what has happened/is happening is letting them down I don't know. Something I need to work on obviously.

For the majority of my life I have been lucky enough to have 3 Moms (really long story but a good one) and tonight I was reminded again that a 3rd Mom really is something special and something I am blessed to have.

Thank you Mom #3, you have made this such a special Christmas and when I stop crying and can get it together I will message you to tell you all of this.

***WITH ALL MY LOVE***

you have got to be kidding me

I am sure that there are people in this world that have legitimate reasons to be sad and lonely this Christmas. My family is not one of them, we are so lucky to have each other and to be able to celebrate this holiday together. Yes, things could be better, but they always can, at least we have a family to celebrate with. With that in mind here is my vent...how can you be miserable? You have a house, children, grandchild, husband, good job, other family that supports you no matter what, how can you be miserable???? We are sooooo lucky and soooo blessed with some things, how can you let a few negative ones over ride the good???

Here and now I make this promise to my hubby and my son, I will never let the Christmas blues get to me ever. I will always make this a season of thanks and awareness of what we share as a family. I will never turn something happy like this into something sad. I will always remain positive and aware of our blessings.

And if I slip and forget this promise, there is always this permanent record to show me to kick my but in gear!

My hubby

I say this with the utmost love and affection, especially since he got me my dream camera for my 30th birthday LOL. I have wanted a rebel for I don't know how long. At first it was just the Rebel xt, then he said well why not the 20D (too much camera for me right now) and then they were coming out with the Xti and little did I know but he made his choice. I cannot seem to put this camera down. There is still so much to learn and I will never be able to figure out all of it but I have never been so happy. This is my fave pic so far...

It's been awhile...

It has been awhile since I felt comfortable enough to come out of hiding. A lot has happened this year, I have let some people down, some people have let me down, I have let things go that I shouldn't, tried new things that I liked, but most of all made a huge mistake that I will have to pay for, for quite some time.

I like to think that I am healing, that I am becoming more myself again. But, just as soon as I think that, here comes stress, anxiety and more panic attacks. I realized that hiding isn't helping that, talking, expressing, and just getting it out would help more than anything.

Our new house was actually started a few months ago and we should have drywall by Christmas. Moving out of this trailer and into OUR house will make a lot of difference for me.

Last month I turned 30 and I feel as if that pushed a start over button. This is the fresh start I need to be able to change those things I don't like and continue with the things I do. I decided I needed a list to refer to about what my goals were...

1. Flylady.com - That's right I want to be a flylady. I started it but then it got put off due to RE school but there is no excuse, I am going to make time!

2. RE Exam - I am taking it before Jan 1, 2007 no matter what. Ready or not I need to push myself.

3. Finish my BA by Dec 2007 - I am so close, 2 classes are I's which I can fix and then my final internship is all I have which I can do in the fall. I will graduate in 2007.

4. Take better care of myself - I need to start taking care of myself physically, my skin, my weight, my mental stability. Flylady will help with this.

5. Budget conscious - here is the biggie. With the new house being finished, there will be expenses before we even move in, I want to have a savings account, I want to feel secure that we can pay our bills, I want to know if I need money for an emergency we have it, I want to pay every bill ontime for 2007.

6. I want to stop feeling like I am not enough. I want to start feeling like this is who I am and if that isn't ok, the problem is not with me. I AM ENOUGH!!!

7. Blog everyday - bad or good, I am going to blog everyday. If anything for my sanity, but also for those that might read this to give an idea to how I feel and that I am not ignoring them, just struggling.

This isn't me, really I swear

I am a positive, up beat person. I believe the glass is half full, really I do. So why on earth do I feel so crappy? I just don't want to do anything. I want to hide in a shell and never come out. Ethan is the only reason I have to even open my eyes and sometimes that is just so hard to do. I hate being pathetic and feeling miserable.
AT WHAT POINT DO I GET MYSELF BACK?
AT WHAT POINT DO I GET TO BE THE PERSON I USED TO BE?
AT WHAT POINT DOES THIS CRAPPY HELPLESS FEELING GO AWAY?
AT WHAT POINT DO I GET TO BE AMY THE MOMMY NOT THIS FOREIGN PERSON BEING A MOMMY?
AT WHAT POINT DO I GET TO BE AMY?

Shame on me take two...

I must clarify, as I feel it is very important to do so again, that I have no issue with the other party. They are a great friend and nothing about that has changed. The issue simply lies within my house and only my house. I hope that is understood and thinks are more settled now.

Shame on me...

Good luck deciphering this one...

Rules are put in place so that no one gets hurt or offended. Well a rule was broken and I am really upset by it. The more time that goes past the more I analyze the situation. I am at the point where I have to hold two people responsible because although the one wasn't limited by their own rules, ours were known of. I wasn't upset at first because I didn't realize it, but now I realize (from over analyzing) that the instant it was over it was known that something wrong had happened. So if that was the case why do it in the first place?

Don't get me wrong I hold my party responsible as it is his job to stop it but as my friend they knew better. We all entered into this knowing what was going on but now that some other things have occurred in the past months, we are more hesitant than before. However, they are extremely gung ho and I am not sure how I feel about it.

Before I can deal with that though I have to handle my party and how I feel about this now and how we go forward. That is the part that really scares me, are we changed for the worse now, can I ever let it go that a promise (a serious one at that) has been broken and that this isn't the first time?

How does it go...
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

Will this ever end...

So I really thought that since we signed a contract with this couple for them to purchase our home, that things would be fairly easy. But no, why would I think that it would be, do I not remember how this year has throw a million curve balls at us? I really don't want to sell to them just because of the games they are playing but what other choice do we have. The payments are killing us and we are just sinking. I really just want to be able to live a life that we can afford again. Before the baby it wasn't an issue as we both worked and we lived quite comfortably. Had I not been put on bed rest almost immediately when I got pregnant we would have spent those months using my salary as a stash rather than just the fun we normally used it for. But we didn't get that option and although we should have been more prepared since we were trying, who would think that I would get so sick? Don't get me wrong, the best thing we have is our son and he was worth every bit of it and still makes all this stress worthwhile. I just want to sell this house and be done with it. I just wish someone would tell me what the right thing to do is.

On a more happy note, my son learned how to tell me what a monkey says today. It is too cute and he even makes monkey lips when he does it. Gosh I love him. Nothing else really matters in the end does it?

My baby will be a year old in less than 20 min.

Good and Bad, isn't it always the way...

So the past few days have been really, really hard for me. I have tried without success (until today) to just get out of this funk. I have been crying uncontrolably, cranky, frustrated at everything, and just plain feeling miserable. With the exception of a couple hours here and there yesterday that I was able to have a really good time with some friends. Thank God for them keeping me in check or should I say Thank God for Hope for continuingly calling me and asking me to do things. Without her I would so become a hermit. I need that push, that continuous calling and almost chasing of me to get me to just get out. I am so thankful to have a friend like that right now. I so need her more than she knows.

Today I was able to get out without Hope! I had a crop locally today and although it took me a LONG time I finally got out the door and made myself go. I looked for every reason to turn that car around but the baby was fine and my husband didn't need me so I kept going. I am so glad I did. I was able to meet three local ladies that were awesome! I really got along with them and can't wait to crop with them again.

So I guess that was the light at the end of my tunnel...

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?

Do you ever feel as if just when you think you have everything in order something else comes up?

Today is not a good day for me if you couldn't tell. Actually this whole week has been pretty shitty for me. I am just so overwhelmed or at least it feels like it, with crap. Nothing really that matters just crap. It hasn't helped that since Monday I have been without the internet which means no support, no distractions, no email etc. I thought I was going to go insane. I got it back today thank goodness! I don't think I could have made it any longer.

On a good note Ethan slept 12 hours total last night and only woke up once around 6 am. Hopefully the same will occur tonight, as the cranky Mommy could use the sleep.

F'in printer!!!!

I am about to throw it out the window! I have been trying to print a 6X12 sheet for about 45 min now and it just wont print anywhere but as if the page was in the center of the tray. AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So it is official...

I am a total geek! One of my many hidden secrets that not even my hubby knows is that I am a complete 7th Heaven fan. I know, you can't believe it, a cheesy show about a reverand and his semi-perfect family. But I have been a devoted watcher since it began. So last night I was watching and I hear them say starting next week, what we have all been waiting for, the final 11 shows of 7th Heaven ever. WHAT???!!!??? It is ending? That is not possible, I didn't hear that, I had no idea! So I desperately tried to search for a good thing that will come out of this, I mean what will I record on my DVR on Monday's at 8 (other than House of course) then I remember Wife Swap! LOL

SPeaking of which I am trying to convince my hubby to do that show with me. I am not the type to apply to reality shows but this one I could do! We get money to go into someone's house and tell them how they are doing it wrong and what they should change to suit me? I AM SO THERE!

So the new year has begun...already broke a resolution, Ethan goes kaboom & girls SUCK!

Well already I have slacked on my resolutions! I didn't post here until the 2nd but hey, it is only the 2nd!

This weekend was great for us but sort of uneventful. We celebrated our first New Years as parents! Ethan has also continued to say Mama on a regular basis, lucky kid cause if he said one more word and it wasn't Mama I was gonna withhold the milk!

I forgot to take my meds all weekend so I was pretty bitchy but not to my hubby so much (BIG surprise!) He always gets the abuse but I was pretty in love with him this weekend. We actually cuddled without any reason to!

Have you ever had a friend, ok let me rephrase already...have you ever known a girl that is just a straight out liar? She never tells the truth and if she did you would never know because everything else is just a lie. In need of attention, has to be the center of attention no matter what and just ends up being obnoxious. I just can't stand drama like that, I have no time for it. But when it comes down to it I am to nice to tell her to f-off, so alas I am stuck. Lying is a pet peeve of mine so I can't lie to her when she wants to do something so I creatively change what I planned to do to make it sound like I can't do anything (does that garbled mess make sense?)

My Ethan fell off the bed! He was sleeping between us (I know, I know don't say it) and it was about 6am this morning (he didn't get in bed with us until 5 or so) and all of a sudden KABOOM! He fell and was fine, not even a red mark but OH did my heart hurt for not protecting him. I am always aware that he is there and that I have to keep a hand on him so I don't know what happened. The only thing I can think of is my husband was home so I was really sleeping peacefully and we were exhausted from the lack of sleep on New Years Eve. So from now on I wear the scarlet letter of B...bad Mommy.